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I give Twelver a recent birthday, since no doubt he was "born" not too long ago in a brewery in Holland. I pick a trainer for him. (I give him the man, who promptly says to Twelver, "I'm looking forward to working with you!")

Twelver takes a few tests, on which he does surprisingly well. His balance is infinitely superior to mine, but when it comes to shifting weight from side to side, Twelver fails miserably at these tasks. Finally, Twelver is told that he weighs 14.8 pounds. That his BMI is 25.76. That he is, like myself, obese. And that his Wii Fit age is -- ready for this? -- 32 years old.

"Twelver, you need to set some goals for yourself," his man-trainer says to him.

DAY TWO

The next day Twelver and I decide to work out again.

"Hello!" the dancing Wii Fit balance board says, waving frantically at me across my living room. "Training every day takes some real dedication! I'm impressed."

Gee, thanks Anthropomorphized Wii Fit Board. Then I get some bad news: My weight has somehow gone up a half-pound in the night to an even 217. What the hell.

I spend what feels like about an hour doing these weird push-up/twist things. I'm stretched across my living room so far that I have to move the coffee table out of the way. I'm exhausted, and for some reason also kind of angry. I get angrier when the game tells me that I've just earned "3 mins." for my Fit Bank. The Fit Bank is an anthropomorphized piggy bank. Every minute you spend training is a minute that goes into the Fit Bank. Bank enough minutes and you apparently can unlock more ways to not enjoy yourself.

"Three minutes?" I say out loud to no one in particular. "That's all?"

Once I'm finished, I load up Twelver's profile, then toss him on the board. I decide to start him off with some Yoga training. I click on "Deep Breathing." His man-trainer comes on-screen and does a demo. "Now you try it," he says to Twelver. "Breathe in ... and breathe out."

Twelver doesn't do anything.

"You're a little unsteady, Twelver," the trainer says. "Focus on standing still."

But after the exercise, to my surprise, Twelver is awarded the full 100 points (the most possible), four stars (also the most possible), and the title of Yoga Master.

And no, I'm not kidding.

Next up: Twelver does the "Half-Moon" exercise, another yoga pose that requires stretching from side to side. The male mannequin guides Twelver through the position -- "You're swaying a little. Use your core muscles to stabilize yourself," he chastizes him -- but again Twelver earns the full hundred points, four stars, and a Yoga Master rating.

"You've got great flexibility!" the male mannequin says. Me? I don't know what to say at this point.

DAY THREE

I've gained another half a pound, bringing me up to not-so-svelte 217.5. The Wii hasn't uttered the "o" word (obese) again, but I know that it's thinking it. I try the running-in-place exercise found under the Aerobics heading. Once I'm finished, my phone is ringing. It's my downstairs neighbor lodging a complaint about the noise.