Crispy Gamer

Scott Jones's blog

PAX 2009: Crispy Gamer Drops Its Bags, Pronounces Seattle "OUR KIND OF TOWN!"

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At this very moment, many thousands of nerds, some of them wearing deodorant even, are making their way to the Penny Arcade Expo in Seattle, Washington. I've never been to Seattle before. It seems nice. And I've never been to a Penny Arcade Expo before, so I will be taking the Jane Goodall approach, studying these creatures, trying to communicate with them via bananas and candy, and live among them, if only very briefly.

Crispy Gamer's Awesome New Facebook Appy: Now 100-percent downloadable

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Four out of five doctors agree that Crispy Gamer has the best readers on the Net. Look at MSUSteve. W1ndst0rm. Unangbangkay. Agnitio. Pilgrim. And the ever-mysterious Foe_Monkey. (REVEAL YOURSELF!)

Which is why the CG elves have been hard at work cobbling together our latest innovation: The Crispy Gamer Totally Awesome Facebook application.

What can you do with our brand new application?

You can test your gaming knowledge with a series of hand-crafted quizzes, written by the Game Trust themselves.

PS3 Slim: Michael Pachter hasn't stated the obvious yet, so I will.

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SONY FANBOYS REJOICE!!!!! Your beloved company finally did something of some significance this week! Unless you've been too busy being mad at Brett Favre, then you probably already know that the big, heaving, wheezing PS3 is getting a makeover.

The new PS3--called the PS3 Slim--is around 30-percent lighter and 30-percent smaller than the current hot, gasping, honking, farting model which was only slightly more diminutive than Bill Maher's ego.

The Very Awesome Punch-Out Commercial: "I'll sleep when I'm dead."

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Man alive, I don't know how I missed this completely awesome commercial.

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I was enjoying the hell out of the spot when, suddenly, one of my favorite characters from The Wire shows up and takes the whole operation to the next level. (Hint: "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.")

The Jones Report: Next Gen = Still Not Entirely Necessary

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I'm in NYC this week (and next) logging time in the CG offices with Vogel, Kuo, Teti, Narcisse, etc. Instead of hauling my 360 cross country yet again, I decided instead to sate my gaming needs by using what remains in my dusty New York apartment: Namely, ye olde PS2. (I've just had a brass plaque installed in my apt. that says "GUS SLEPT HERE. AND NARCISSE DID TOO. NOT ON THE SAME NIGHTS, THANKFULLY." It's classy.)

No-Duh Dept.: So I finally got around to playing Call of Duty 4...

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I know! That game is so old, it's like something Indiana Jones would find in a tomb all covered in spiderwebs. It's so old, it should be in a home for old games, right? Well, I tried playing COD 4 when it first came out--I really tried--but Bioshock and I were still on our honeymoon, holed up in an Italian villa, ordering room service and making love like our plane was going down. I probably started and stopped playing COD 4 three or four times before the game finally began its slow, mournful descent to the bottom of my to-play pile.

I'm sick of hearing about Scribblenauts too, but...

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I'm not a violent man, but a few days ago when I overheard a game nerd describe Scribblenauts as "this year's Flower," I wanted to don animal pelts, swing a mace over my head for awhile, and then set fire to this a-hole's f***ing village.

The obvious problem here--among many obvious problems--is that Flower came out this year. In 2009. Which this dingus obviously did not remember.

It's Been About Six Minutes Since Anyone Mentioned This...

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Blame my sunburn, but today I found myself pondering the question that all old, salty reviewers inevitably ponder from time to time:

Do reviews matter?

Does anyone read them? Do consumers bother to read them for advice anymore? Do gamers bother to read them because they confirm/challenge their own ideas about a specific game?

I just finished logging around 40 hours playing Fight Night Round 4. Then I spent another two, three hours tapping out the review.

All so I could write a review that very few people will probably ever read.

E3 2009: The Aftermath

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I've been stepping over/walking around my exploded post-E3 luggage for nearly two days now.

I can't understand why I'm not simply dealing with it rather than circumventing it.

Most of it is dirty laundry. And the rest is very dirty laundry.

It looks vaguely like a CSI crime scene, no? The cord running through the picture is attached to my vacuum cleaner. Maybe I should just move rather than deal wih this.

The Jones Report: The Five Stages of Post E3 Grieving

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It's almost 4 a.m. and I can't sleep. I just got off my extremely delayed flight. Somewhere, high above Portland, Oregon, just after I'd woken myself up with a cacophonous fart, I sat in the dark, staring at the blinking red light on the tip of the airplane wing out the tiny window, and I realized that I was getting emotional. I was tearing up a little.

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