Crispy Gamer

What to Wear at E3: The Rules of Jones

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Earlier this week Elise Vogel, managing editor/heart/soul of CG, left work early to go shopping for pants. Yes, I said pants. She took Anne Mischler with her, because, I was told, no woman should go pants shopping alone. My guess is that she was buying something very cute and flattering to wear during E3 next week. If you see Elise roaming the show floor while breaking in a new pair of pants, be sure to compliment her on them. Say something like, "Great pants, Elise! Are those new? They look great!" No, don't say something "like" that; say exactly that.

It made me think about my own pre E3 shopping trips. I've been going to E3 for nearly 10 years now. Before E3, I always buy a new pair of sneakers. I bought a new pair of New Balance sneakers yesterday. They don't make the old kind of New Balance sneakers anymore, the clerk told me (one plain solid color, with an N/Z on the side). Now they're all flash and demand to be looked at. One pair in the store had DRAGON FACES. Christ! I prefer wearing shoes that don't say LOOK AT MY SHOES WOOOOO!!!! I bought the most muted pair they had, and I'm wearing them today, during the all-important break-in period. They are just hideous. I look like a homosexual pro bowling champion. Goddamn it, New Balance! What a fool I am.

I also typically buy a few new shirts to work into my wardrobe rotation. I have to force myself to do this. I literally run into a store, sweating profusely, and grab a few shirts off a rack, and try them on over whatever shirt I am wearing already. If the garment is even remotely close to fitting, I put it in my BUY pile. After I have a few things in my BUY pile, I run to the register and cash out, then make for the exit. Shopping is like a Vietnam mission for me; get in, get out, and minimize the casualties.

Here are several E3 fashion/hygiene rules that will make for a more peaceful E3 for all next week:

-No flip-flops or mandals.

-No camp shorts.

-Do not wear anything with camouflage. (Unless your name is G.I. Joe.)

-No ponytails. And if you do have a ponytail, keep it away from me. (I was brushed by an oily ponytail last year and I am still in recovery.)

-No muscle shirts. Less skin is usually better than more skin, people. (Unless your name is Cheryl Tiegs.)

-No T-shirts/garments/ballcaps boasting the name of the website you work for.

-Check the condition of your breath at least x3 per day.

-No squealing during press conferences. You are professionals. Act that way.

-No running.

-No spitting.

-No farting.

-No mandals. (It merits repeating.)

-No backwards/sideways baseball caps.

-Most importantly: no displays of self-importance. No exceptions.