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Review: DeathSpank

Subtitle: 
Or How To Dispense Justice And Earn Fried Foods
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“This is a true story.” Those are the words that open the downloadable DeathSpank for PSN and XBLA, a Diablo-style adventure slasher built around looting, mashing, and ridiculous dialogue.

“This is a true story.” Those are the words that open the downloadable DeathSpank for PSN and XBLA, a Diablo-style adventure slasher built around looting, mashing, and ridiculous dialogue.

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Failure is an Option

Subtitle: 
If at first you don't succeed, make sure you die trying.
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The other warthog tore around the corner at full throttle, military treads cutting four deep gouges through the hard-packed snow, and skidded right into my crosshairs. I slammed down the trigger and unleashed a merciless hail of lead from the turret’s .50 caliber guns. Even as they swerved wildly for the nearest cover, I knew their light armor never stood a chance; after two hellish seconds I released the trigger, letting the barrels spin to a halt. Another would-be challenger was no more.

The other warthog tore around the corner at full throttle, military treads cutting four deep gouges through the hard-packed snow, and skidded right into my crosshairs. I slammed down the trigger and unleashed a merciless hail of lead from the turret’s .50 caliber guns. Even as they swerved wildly for the nearest cover, I knew their light armor never stood a chance; after two hellish seconds I released the trigger, letting the barrels spin to a halt. Another would-be challenger was no more.

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Review: Sin and Punishment: Star Successor

Subtitle: 
Bullets... Everywhere... System... Overload... gah.
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I died. Again. The boss keeps hitting me with that horizontal swipe. I have to find a sign for when this attack might be coming. She moves forward a little bit and raises her arm slightly every time. Alright, when I see that, I got to be ready to dodge.

I died. Again. The boss keeps hitting me with that horizontal swipe. I have to find a sign for when this attack might be coming. She moves forward a little bit and raises her arm slightly every time. Alright, when I see that, I got to be ready to dodge.

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10 Years and a Living Room

Subtitle: 
The Story of a LAN Party
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It’s a bright Saturday afternoon in the middle of June, and I’ve just pulled into a suburban driveway a half-hour outside of Boston. As I’d covered most of the distance between New York and my friend’s house by bus, I’ve arrived without my full desktop rig, widescreen monitor, and macro-programmed keyboard. Instead, the seat beside me holds just my trusty Logitech G9 mouse, headset, and a 16 ounce can of AMP energy drink. As I gather my handful of peripherals, Dave spots my car, and opens his garage door in greeting.

1:00 PM It’s a bright Saturday afternoon in the middle of June, and I’ve just pulled into a suburban driveway a half-hour outside of Boston. As I’d covered most of the distance between New York and my friend’s house by bus, I’ve arrived without my full desktop rig, widescreen monitor, and macro-programmed keyboard. Instead, the seat beside me holds just my trusty Logitech G9 mouse, headset, and a 16 ounce can of AMP energy drink. As I gather my handful of peripherals, Dave spots my car, and opens his garage door in greeting.

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The Top 10 games that made me want to kill someone

Subtitle: 
All work and no play makes Chase a dull boy.
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The enthusiasm and optimistic glee that once filled your heart slowly begins to curdle. As reality stains your dreams, they begin to twist inward upon themselves and rot, leaving not but crushing sadness and disappointment. What once promised to be light and joyous is now only dark and hurtful. And as hope drains from your soul, with a heavy heart you’re forced to admit, “This game sucks.”

The enthusiasm and optimistic glee that once filled your heart slowly begins to curdle. As reality stains your dreams, they begin to twist inward upon themselves and rot, leaving not but crushing sadness and disappointment. What once promised to be light and joyous is now only dark and hurtful. And as hope drains from your soul, with a heavy heart you’re forced to admit, “This game sucks.”

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Review: Singularity

Subtitle: 
Bioshock minus awesome plus Nolan North.
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I’m in an elevator. On the floor in front of me is a pile of shattered plastic. I do my magic time reversal trick, and the shards spring together… into yet another audio log. A voice with a bad Russian accent says, “It breaks my heart that we realized too late that the creatures are blind. Alexis needlessly fell victim to them. Had we just silently walked by the beasts, he would still be alive. I’m sorry for failing you Alexis. For failing us all.”

 

I’m in an elevator. On the floor in front of me is a pile of shattered plastic. I do my magic time reversal trick, and the shards spring together… into yet another audio log. A voice with a bad Russian accent says, “It breaks my heart that we realized too late that the creatures are blind. Alexis needlessly fell victim to them. Had we just silently walked by the beasts, he would still be alive. I’m sorry for failing you Alexis. For failing us all.”

For failing us all? God, this writing is bad.

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Preview: Medal of Honor

Subtitle: 
Call of Duty has a new challenger.
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Recently, I’ve been able to sit down with the PC version of EA’s latest attempt to reclaim the FPS throne, Medal of Honor. Even though the game is still in beta, it's possible to tell EA that has its sights set on bringing down the current FPS king, Modern Warfare 2.

Recently, I’ve been able to sit down with the PC version of EA’s latest attempt to reclaim the FPS throne, Medal of Honor. Even though the game is still in beta, it's possible to tell EA that has its sights set on bringing down the current FPS king, Modern Warfare 2.

It is worth noting that Medal of Honor is being built using 2 distinct engines and by 2 different development teams within EA, the Unreal Engine for single player by EA LA and the Frostbite Engine by EA DICE (known for the Battlefield series).

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Top 8 Video Game Innuendos

Subtitle: 
Solid Snake meets Sticky Balls.
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This one doesn't take a lot of thought to figure out. Regardless, it gets points for following the title closely. You rack up sticky balls to solve puzzles, shoots balls into each other, maneuver balls. Lots of things with balls. Sticky balls. Not particularly clever, but if you're a middle school boy it gets the job done.

Sticky Balls

This one doesn't take a lot of thought to figure out. Regardless, it gets points for following the title closely. You rack up sticky balls to solve puzzles, shoots balls into each other, maneuver balls. Lots of things with balls. Sticky balls. Not particularly clever, but if you're a middle school boy it gets the job done.

Never Soft

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Review: ModNation Racers

Subtitle: 
Play. Create. Share. Fail.
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We're on the final lap of the trio of arcade racers; first I looked at Split/Second and last time it was Blur. ModNation Racers has an aesthetic immediately familiar to me, as it seems heavily based off the Mario Kart series: Cute little avatars shooting powerups at each other on cartoony tracks. It's obvious where the design influence came from.

We're on the final lap of the trio of arcade racers; first I looked at Split/Second and last time it was Blur. ModNation Racers has an aesthetic immediately familiar to me, as it seems heavily based off the Mario Kart series: Cute little avatars shooting powerups at each other on cartoony tracks. It's obvious where the design influence came from.

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Review: 3D Dot Heroes

Subtitle: 
Life Up Get!
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I need to start this review off with a confession: I’ve never actually beaten a Zelda game. I know, I know, you can stop your booing and hissing and declarations to strip me of my gamer cred. I’ve had the opportunities and the chances over the years to play them; hell, Ocarina of Time is sitting on my Wii at this very minute. I just never got around to it.

I need to start this review off with a confession: I’ve never actually beaten a Zelda game. I know, I know, you can stop your booing and hissing and declarations to strip me of my gamer cred. I’ve had the opportunities and the chances over the years to play them; hell, Ocarina of Time is sitting on my Wii at this very minute. I just never got around to it.

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