Six Games That Really Should Have Fighting in Them
It is exciting to watch, but not fun to do. Eyeglasses can get broken, resulting in a trip to LensCrafters to see the doctor who always smells like sadness. Or else the two people fighting can sometimes start giggling. As most of us know, the preferred way to fight in the year 2009 is to say nasty things about someone and/or someone's piece of writing in a comment thread.
But in the virtual world of videogames, fighting is a very fun thing to do. A scientific survey involving two cats and a phone call to my friend Dave reveals that most people (and cats) would enjoy videogames more if they included fighting.
EA Sports must have conducted its own survey, because this year's version of NHL 10 features fighting. Yes, fighting! I know! If you thought the game was fun last year, wait until you see what it's like with fighting! It's almost 100-percent more fun, bringing its fun percentage up to 200 percent. That is a record.
Here are six games that would greatly benefit from including fighting.
Why It Needs Fighting: I'm tired of all these reverential music games that turn into a hagiography for every band. Metallica is all f***ed-up. It even made a movie about how all f***ed-up it is, the title of which is, I believe, "How This Bunch of Total A-Holes Somehow Managed to Make Good Music." We live in a post-"Behind the Music" age. These bands have been humanized. They are not gods or angels. I want to see Hetfield kicks Lars' ass, something which I'm pretty sure has happened about one billion times. ACTIVISION: PUT IT IN THE GAME.
2. Animal Crossing
Why It Needs Fighting: The absolute worst thing that can happen to you in Animal Crossing is that a dog might serenade you with a banjo. Oh, wait. I almost forgot. Cockroaches will get into your house if you don't go there for more than a few days. That sounds awful, until you realize how cute all the cockroaches are. Everything in this game is cute! Everything! Even if you put the hideous dad from "Jon & Kate Plus 8" into the game, he would somehow turn out cute. We need fighting! We need to be able to give Tom Nook the beating he deserves. "That's for the 20,000 Bells you made me overpay for my tiny, cute roach-filled house!" POW!
Why It Needs Fighting: The way that the color red can make a bull charge, or a sale at Wal-Mart can make my mother knock people over, the sight of a unicorn always makes me turn over furniture and injure myself. Peggle makers: Leave the unicorn out of all future Peggle games unless you decide to include a Punch-the-Unicorn mini-game. Oh, and one more thing for the record: Peggle is random and boring and it requires less skill and intelligence than it takes to eat a hot dog.
4. Wii Fit
Why It Needs Fighting: Wii Fit is such a big hit that Wii Fit Plus is coming out. That means a lot of people bought this fitness-fun simulator. The problem is, millions of those Wii Fits have already been exiled to garages where they will live out their days until their AA batteries corrode and leave behind a toxic stain on the world. Nintendo should have included a Teach Me a Lesson! mode where all of the faces of the dumb people who purchased Wii Fit come up on the screen, and then, using our Wii MotionPlus Nonsense controllers, we can throw virtual haymakers at them.
Why It Needs Fighting: This is one of those school lessons that is dressed up as a videogame. It says, "Hey, everyone! Come play me! I'm just a videogame! Ha, ha, I'm fun!" But then you start playing it, and after about an hour you realize 1) that you have killed nothing, and 2) that you learned something. Damn you, Endless Ocean -- you are a shape-shifter! DEAR NINTENDO: You should include a mode where I can box an anthropomorphic dolphin named "Honey."
Why It Needs Fighting: Here is an accurate description of Myst: Go here. Do something boring. Go there. Do something boring. Then go there and do something even more boring. Then try to solve a puzzle. Then visit GameFAQs when you can't solve it. Then realize that the answer was so obvious. Then consider suicide. Then open another beer. Then play more Myst. If this doesn't scream PUT FIGHTING IN ME, I don't know what does.
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