Games for Lunch: New International Track and Field

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0:19 "You bore me with your poor performance." says the goth girl who finished first. I get a bronze medal and 229 "gold stars" which can be used to unlock stuff.

0:20 Before moving on, I change over to button controls, because this stylus thing just isn't working at all. I try out grey-haired, long-bearded Asian elder Oolong this time, just because he looks so ridiculous for an Olympian.

0:24 Alternating button presses seems just as hard as stylus scribbling on the shot put (which controls just like the javelin) until I get the bright idea to put the system down and use two hands. I get a respectable 12.099m throw and second place.

0:25 The vault sounds exceedingly complicated. I have to press a button to start, press it again to jump, press it again to hit the vault, then do some alternate tapping to somersault in midair, all while watching my landing. Yikes!

0:26 I score a 2.91 on the first attempt. Yes, that's out of 10. I foul on last two attempts because I mess up the delicate timing, I guess. I'm still in first place based on my first performance. Would jumping straight to "normal" mode have been such a sin?

0:28 Skeet shooting features a Kid Dracula hot air balloon in the background! This tickles me to no end. Anyway, I use the d-pad to move the aiming reticle left and right and press A to shoot. I hit all but the last clay pigeon on the first attempt, getting increasingly more points for each hit. I doubt real skeet shooting is scored like this.

0:31 Seems the score multipliers from the previous heats continue on to the next heat, meaning my near-perfect performance on the third round gets me a whopping 6,433 points, nearly twice as much as my next opponent. I leap to a huge lead in standings. I guess I've found my calling.

0:32 The 400m distance race asks me to press A and B in rhythm with an onscreen metronome, instead of just as fast as possible. It starts slow, but gets faster as my runner does the same. At the end it changes to a button-mashing sprint, which throws me off for a second. I still finished first. My favorite event so far, by far.

0:35 "Old is good, losing is not" says Oolong from his gold medal podium. The button controls are definitely an improvement. I've been promoted to the rank of "Novice." Only 186 stars until I unlock a new outfit. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

0:37 And we continue on with the "Springboard" event, also known as diving to us normal humans. Seems a lot like the vault.

0:39 Ouch. My first jump ends in a belly flop. The midair spinning doesn't seem to be working for some reason. I get ranked a 0.67 out of 10. That hurts even more than the belly flop!

0:40 Oh, I misread the directions. I have to rapidly tap either A or B instead of alternating between them. This time I get four flips and land crooked in the water, but still score a 5.6! The nearest opponent is at 3.62. This easy mode is really annoyingly easy. I don't care about unlocking stuff, just give me a challenge!