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0:41 In an absolute shocker, the discus controls are exactly like the shot put/javelin.
0:42 I take it back, I actually have to time my discus throw so it doesn't go foul. It's a small, but important difference.
0:43 I foul out of the discus -- I can't seem to get the timing down. My index fingers are starting to hurt from the rapid button pressing. DISQUALIFIED! Here we go again, I guess.
0:45 This time I try to land head first in the diving, but the best score I can muster is a 3.43. Spinning randomly as fast as possible seems to be the better strategy.
0:46 My overriding goal with the discus this time is to just get it in bounds. And I do, on my first try, with a low angle throw of 22.796m. Better than zero, I guess.
0:47 Getting the angle right on attempt three bumps me up to a massive 33.592m. Again, this is nearly double the nearest competitor. HARD MODE PLZ!
0:48 The triple-jump is controlled like the long jump, except with three jumps, like you might expect. The "24 challenging events" described on the box is less impressive when most of them are exactly the same.
0:49 I get fouls on all three triple-jump attempts because I run past the starting line. There's basically no warning that it's coming -- not nearly enough time to see it on screen and react at full speed. I'm disqualified again -- looks like it's back to diving for me.
0:51 I luck into a perfectly straight entry on my third dive, but I still score much worse than an ugly backflop dive that included more spins. It's official: This is the worst simulation of Olympic diving ever conceived.
0:53 I'm getting better at discus timing (and the power-building button mashing). I score a 35.5m throw at a perfect 45 degree angle. Whoo!
0:54 I try to guarantee a "no foul" on the triple jump by taking a leisurely jog to the line. This doesn't work. I get a foul for going too slow, apparently. ARGH!
0:55 Over the next two attempts, I begin to figure out that they want lower angles for the first few jumps. Still can't quite get it right, and I'm disqualified again. I do earn enough stars for a new outfit, an orange Gi for Oolong. Is this supposed to keep me playing through the awful gameplay? Because it's failing.
Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.
Why? The mindless, button-mashing gameplay has not aged well, and I don't have the obsessive need to unlock stuff that seems a key to enjoying this game.
This column is based on a retail copy provided by the publisher.
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