Crispy Gamer

The Fryer, Vol. 21

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Chumbawumba: We're "totally open" to the idea of Chumbawumba: Rock Band

In the wake of rumors that bands such as The Who and Queen may be getting their own The Beatles: Rock Band-style dedicated rhythm games in the future, English folk/pop band Chumbawamba publicly announced today that it was "totally open" to the idea of being featured in a Rock Band game of its own.

"Chumbawamba has seen the music industry go through a lot of changes in its 27-year history," Chumbawamba singer and guitarist Lou Watts said at a sparsely attended press conference at the London Hard Rock Cafe today. "From eight-tracks and cassettes to CDs and digital downloads, Chumbawamba has been more than willing to change with the times. If today's music fans are eager to experience Chumbawamba's music in a highly polished, heavily marketed, completely Chumbawamba-focused videogame, we are more than willing to accommodate their desires."

The Fryer, Vol 21
The cover art for Chumbawamba: Rock Band, as it appears exclusively in the band's most recent fever dream.

During the conference, Watts was highly critical of artists like Prince and Led Zeppelin that have reportedly turned down deals to get their music into popular rhythm-game franchises. "Unlike some other members of the music industry, we aren't afraid to change with the times," Watts said. "We aren't afraid to embrace new methods of delivery for our music. We aren't afraid to accept large sacks of money in exchange for the rights to our entire musical catalog. In short, we are not afraid of the future."

During a short Q&A session after the conference, Watts addressed concerns that Chumbawamba's catalog wasn't popular or deep enough to sustain a rhythm game devoted exclusively to its songs. "I know most people think 'Tubthumping' is the only Chumbawamba song that can work in a videogame," Watts said to general sounds of agreement and dawning recognition from the assembled press. "And it's true, 'Tubthumping' and Chumbawamba have already made their mark on gaming through appearances in games such as World Cup 98 and Donkey Konga. But we feel that fans would be eager to follow Chumbawamba's career through all 14 studio albums, which include toe-tappers like 'Mouthful of Shit' and 'Doomed Flight 1721.'"

Requests to MTV Games and Activision Blizzard about the existence of some sort of secret, Chumbawamba-focused rhythm game currently in development were returned with quick replies of "Don't be silly," and "Of course not," respectively.

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Angry fans stage boycott of Madagascar Kartz, demand new content

Taking their lead from recent boycott drives surrounding popular games like Left 4 Dead 2 and Modern Warfare 2, fans of the Madagscar movies have organized a wide-reaching boycott of the recently released Madagascar Kartz.

The boycott group, which has already attracted tens of members since the game's release Tuesday, is irate over what it sees as the developer's "overall pattern of disrespect towards the die-hard fans of this classic animated film series."

Among the group's demands (taken directly from its MySpace page):

    The Fryer, Vol 21
    The release of Madagascar Kartz has triggered a boycott among some animation fans.
  • We demand an expansion of the paltry lineup of six racers available on the game disc. Specifically, Maurice the Aye Aye, Mort the Mouse Lemur, and Mason and Phil the Chimps should be made available as a free download to those who have already purchased the game.
  • The inclusion of only two unlockable bonus racers is an insult to Dreamworks Pictures and its impressive body of animated work. By including Shrek (from "Shrek") and B.O.B. (from "Monsters vs. Aliens") without including companion characters Fiona and Ginormica, Activision is not only being disrespectful to Dreamworks fans, but to all women everywhere as well. These characters should be added to the game, preferably as a free download.
  • The designers have taken great liberties with the track design, adding many background details that are not actually present in the movie versions of these locales, and removing others that actually were in the movie (see this handy guide assembled by boycott member MadagascarFan69, for a complete list). We demand these graphical glitches be fixed through a free, downloadable patch.
  • The market for the Nintendo Wii version of Madagascar has been undeniably and unfairly split by the existence of two distinct retail versions of the game, one with a green, wheel-shaped Wii Remote attachment and one without. This split gives an unfair advantage to certain members of the community who can afford this $10 add-on, throwing off the balance in the developing Madagascar Kartz competitive scene. We demand Activision eliminate the Wheel-free version of the game, lower the price of the remaining Wheel-inclusive version, and provide a free steering wheel to all customers who have already purchased the wheel-free version.
  • A game like Madagascar Kartz is built around the idea of what the game's initial press release called "allowing up to four players to go bananas" in "head-to-head multiplayer action." Yet the game does not include any options for online play. This is a travesty on par with the Vietnam War or the ratings failure of the "Penguins of Madagascar" television show on Nickelodeon. Online competition should be added to the game through a free downloadable update.

    When asked for comment on the boycott by The Fryer, an Activision spokesperson said, "We made a game called Madagascar Kartz? Really?"

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    Nintendo reassigns massive development division to DSi clock and calculator development

    Nintendo announced today that one of the largest and most popular development divisions in the company would henceforth be reassigned to exclusive development of new clock and calculator applications for the Nintendo DSi.

    Nintendo's Entertainment Analysis and Development division (EAD), which employs nearly 800 people, has in the past been responsible for multi-million selling entries in series including Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda, Pokemon, Nintendogs, Wii Sports, Wii Fit and many others. Those projects will be put on hold for the foreseeable future so the division can focus on what Nintendo President Satoru Iwata called the "new and promising" field of non-game clock and calculator applications.

    The Fryer, Vol 21
    Due to development delays Nintendo was forced to resort to early-'90s-era clipart at its most recent keynote.

    "The five DSi clock and calculator applications we've released so far have been some of the most popular downloads on DSiWare," Iwata said, referring to the Mario, Animal Crossing and camera-themed offerings already available. "These products have brought a promising and entirely new stream of revenue to the company that simply did not exist in the past. We feel that this kind of non-gaming software on the DSi is poised for explosive growth, and represents the key to the future of the platform and Nintendo's financial growth."

    Iwata was quick to clarify that today's announcement does not mean Nintendo is getting out of the game-making business entirely. "Nintendo's large stable of second-party developers will continue to create great games for Nintendo," Iwata said. Unfortunately, those developers will now be precluded from using Nintendo's stable of established characters in their games. "We can't risk having these important established brands tarnished by shoddy second-party games," Iwata said. "They need to remain pure and protected so that they can be used most effectively to promote our new lines of clock and calculator applications."

    While Iwata said he considered creating a new division to spearhead development of these applications, he eventually decided that the existing team's experience would be key in pushing the clock-and-calculator application market towards the future. "With the best minds in our company focused solely on calculator and clock development, we are confident we will be able to take this emerging genre in new and exciting directions, establishing ourselves as a leader in this new space," he said.

    Editor's note: These stories are 100-percent satire. Yes, Kyle Orland made it all up.