Crispy Gamer

The Fryer, Vol. 23

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Tony Hawk Looking for People to Play Tony Hawk: Ride With Him

At a press conference this afternoon, pro skater Tony Hawk put out an urgent call to the American public to come and play the recently released Tony Hawk: Ride with him.

"Come on guys, really, it's super-fun and it's not even that hard to learn," Hawk said of the new skateboarding game, which asks players to balance and twirl on a skateboard-shaped controller to pull off a variety of virtual tricks. "Anyone with a decent sense of balance and good reflexes and strong ab and thigh muscles and a comprehensive knowledge of the mechanics of skateboarding should be able to pick it up easily. But everyone just wants to shoot each other in Modern Warfare 2, for some reason. I mean, what's up with that? Why won't anyone play with me?"

The Fryer, Vol 23
Tony Hawk is not afraid to compete against other gamers in Tony Hawk: Ride.

Hawk said he's tried everything to try to get people to play with him, even hosting a lavish launch party for the game at his palatial estate. "Like 200 people came, and they were all willing to eat my hors d'oeuvres and drink my wine, but whenever I asked someone to play, they were like 'Oh, maybe later.'" Hawk said, using a high-pitched voice to imitate his guests. "I mean, just because that one guy broke his ankle at the beginning of the party, that doesn't mean the next player is going to get hurt, am I right?"

While Hawk said he had managed to find a few online Ride opponents after hours of searching on Xbox Live, all of his competitors quit after losing a single match. "Hey, is it my fault that I can pull off an effortless nollie kickflip to a 50-50 grind to a long rear manual to a 540 Christ Air while these jokers struggle to just manage a single pathetic heelflip?" Hawk asked the crowd of bewildered journalists. "I mean, should I purposely not use my lifetime of accumulated skateboarding skill to do well in my own freaking game? You guys are all just whiners who need to step up your game, that's all."

During the question-and-answer session, Hawk was incredulous at the notion that the game's $120 price tag might be limiting the pool of potential opponents. "I know I make a lot more money than the average person, but come on, you guys can't save up a measly $120 for the most authentic virtual skateboarding experience ever made?" he said. "I mean how long does it take an average worker to earn $120? An hour? Two?"

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Charity "Desert Bus" Drive Goes from "Hope" to Havoc

A local man has been charged with reckless endangerment, theft of city property, destruction of city property and lewd conduct after a charity gaming marathon took a turn for the worst Tuesday.

Police say that Jim Michaelson, 25, broke into a local bus depot at 3:45 a.m., hotwired a city bus, and brought it up to speed down a deserted main street before crashing through the front wall of City Hall. First responders on the scene found what the police report described as "a distressed and disheveled man, clad only in a beige trench coat, speaking in tongues and exposing himself to officers."

At a press conference today, Police Chief Jim Johnson revealed that man to be Michaelson, and laid out a possible motive that led to his rampage. "We have confirmed that Michaelson was taking part in a days-long charity 'gaming marathon' immediately prior to the theft," he said. "We are currently reviewing video of the event to see if it had anything to do with the incident."

The Fryer, Vol 23
Jim Michaelson's Desert Bus event did not proceed as planned.

Michaelson's personal Web site includes a link to "Desert Bus for Change," a personal project in which Michaelson vowed to keep playing a videogame called Desert Bus as long as a trickle of Internet donations kept coming in. The obscure game asks players to drive a bus down an unchanging desert highway for hours. The Web site says the project was inspired by the similar "Desert Bus for Hope" charity event, but while that event had a group of players sharing the task in four-hour shifts, Michaelson decided to "go it alone to attract more attention," according to his Web site.

As of 3 p.m. today, the Web site shows Michaelson had raised $10,000 and played the game for over 10 days straight, without breaks. Regular blog messages, apparently posted by Michaelson during the event, show a slow descent into madness starting around Day 4, when Michaelson began complaining of "hearing voices." Still, the tone of the posts remained upbeat through the eighth day of the event, when the writing began to focus on an "evil conspiracy to keep [him] playing." The final entry in the blog, timed 3:14 a.m. the day of the incident, just features the cryptic promise 'THE BUS WILL KEEP ROLLING!'" repeated dozens of times.

Those who donated to the event and followed Michaelson's attempt via webcam weren't shocked at his alleged participation in the incident. "I was watching him for a bit during Day 6, and he kept darting his head and eyes around the empty room, like a bird looking for food or something," said Ryan Anderson, 24. "Then on Day 7 he'd just start screaming for like whole minutes at a time. I thought he was just trying to keep thing interesting for the viewers, but I guess maybe not..."

Lawyers for Michaelson say the money raised in Michaelson's charity efforts will now likely go toward his legal costs.

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Actually, do you want to play with me?
By Randy Thomas

Hey, honey. What? Oh, just playing that new Mario game. Yeah. Yeah, not too much longer. Actually, do you want to play with me? No, this one we can both play together. Yeah, I know you say you used to love Mario back when you were younger. You'll try it? Great! OK, let me just set it up.

OK, hold this one to run and push this one to jump. That's it. OK, you're Luigi. The green one. OK, le-- what? Well, if you wanted to be the blue one you should have picked the blue one. Look, just us the green one, OK? OK, let's go. You're falling behind ... are you holding down the run button? I just showed you, it's that one. OK, now you're moving. Watch out for the Goomb-- whoops. Sorry honey. I should have stomped on him for you. Next time you can just jump over him, OK?

The Fryer, Vol 23
Honey, you weren't supposed to take all the Super Mushrooms.

Don't worry, you'll be back in a second. See, there you are, in that bubble. Just shake the controller. No, up and down. That's it. There ya go. OK, go get one of those mushrooms. No, you have to run! No, don't follow it in the pit! No, you died again. Didn't you say you used to love Mario? Yeah, I know that was a long time ago. Yeah, I should have warned you sooner. It's OK, you'll get it.

OK, see the platform I just jumped on? Wait for it to swing back, then jump on it. No, not yet. Wait. OK, now! Crap! That was my fault. You bounced off my head and fell into the pit, that's what happened. I know. I KNOW! I'm sorry, OK? Look, you're already back.

Here, why don't I just pick you up and carry you through this part. Oh, jeez, look out! I know ... you weren't supposed to shake the controller there. That makes you jump out of my arms. Yeah, that enemy got you. I KNOW I didn't tell you about that part, OK? I FORGOT! Aw jeez, it's OK. Look, I'm sorry I yelled. Don't cry. Here, you're back again. Let's just try to have fun, OK?

OK, look out for that fireball. The fireball that's coming right at you. Right there! No, you are moving. You're the green one! I'm the re-- Yeah. No, the fireball got you. No, you're out of lives. You can continue when I finish the level.

OK, that's fine. Let me know when dinner's ready. I love you!

Editor's note: These stories are 100-percent satire. Yes, Kyle Orland made it all up.