Crispy Gamer

Meet the CG Game Room

Stay in school, eat your vegetables, and someday maybe, just maybe, you can grow up to be a member of the CG staff. (Failing out of small engine repair college doesn't hurt, kids.)

Meet the CG Game Room
Is that the door to another dimension?

Just like the American Express card, membership as a CG staffer has its privileges. One privilege: ALL THE CARBONATED BEVERAGES YOU CAN DRINK. Seriously, we've got an industrial-strength office fridge that King Kong would choke on. Another privilege: ALL THE OWL HOOTS YOU CAN MAKE. (During CG's inception, a few members of the CG staff wanted to make the company mascot the "Crispy Owl." The owl is dead, but his hoots live on.) And still another privilege: ALL THE WIGS YOU CAN WEAR. OK, so maybe that last one isn't a privilege. [Editor's note: It's not a privilege. It's just plain weird. And a little upsetting.]

But the greatest privilege of all is the lifetime pass that all Game Trust members have to the CG game room. Under construction for several months (we had to fire our first architect; and then we had a situation involving a smell whose source we couldn't locate), the game room is finally ready for its grand unveiling.

And, to be fair, it is a cool space. We've got the big-screen tee-vee. The IKEA couches. The console rack firmly screwed into the wall. And a giant table made of steel and marble (but painted to look like wood). [Editor's note: It takes about eight of us to move this table. If you think this table might look good in your basement, den or landfill, make an offer. No, we're not kidding. And bring seven friends when you come to pick it up.]

Meet the CG Game Room
Sniff, sniff. Smells like nerds have been here recently.

And, like all great game rooms, we've got a dry-erase board, which is great for scratching obscenities on. [Editor's note: The game room does double-duty as a makeshift conference room, on those days when the other conference room is already booked.] And we've got a stack of games, 94 percent of which are crappy, and 4 percent of which are great (The other 2 percent of the games: We're undecided). And like all great game rooms, we have a set of rules that must be abided by -- see below. Brace yourself, boys and girls, for a rare inside glimpse of the Crispy Castle. Lower the drawbridge and throw some lunch meats to distract the crocodiles in the moat! We have guests!

Rules for use of the CG game room

1. The CG game room should never be called the game room. It should be called Xanadu. Valhalla is also acceptable.

Meet the CG Game Room
Stare at this screen for the next 40 minutes. Boom, now you know what it's like to hang out in the CG game room.

2. Pants must be worn at all times in Xanadu/Valhalla.

3. Shoes also must be kept on. (NO SANDALS; NO EXCEPTIONS.)

4. The Keefer Rule: No naps should be taken in Xanadu/Valhalla. Not even after 14-hour-long WoW sessions.

5. If you bring in any food/beverage, clean up after yourself. If you do not, you will do one extra week of Office Manager duty as penance.

6. Never leave game discs out of their boxes. They can be damaged if not properly returned to their boxes. Also, they can get cold and lonely.

7. Shirts must also be worn in Xanadu/Valhalla. (NO TANK TOPS AND/OR ANYTHING MESH.)

Meet the CG Game Room
That table looks harmless enough, but it's responsible for at least two hernias, one busted truss and plenty of lost dignity.

8. Another acceptable name for Xanadu/Valhalla is Monkey Town.

9. Borrowing games from Xanadu/Valhalla/Monkey Town is acceptable. You may take only two games per person. Said games should not be kept for more than 72 hours. Remember, we are running a business where we need access to our games on short notice. And don't suddenly "forget" that you borrowed a great game. That won't fly. Our robots are watching you.

10. Be nice to the game room, and the game room will be nice to you.

11. Also: DDR is banned.

12. Also: If you have problems with these rules, please take it up with Management.