Crispy Gamer Presents: World's Greatest Videogame Toilets
[Contributors: Jason McMaster (video capture), Keith Vincent (intro animation); Moral support: Ryan Kuo, Elise Vogel; Intro music by Spooky Johnson's Original Rock and Roll Band]
"You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is small toilet here."
Any gamer worth his salt will recognize this as a toiletized version of the classic opening lines from 1980's Zork I.
Since the dawn of pixels, developers have attempted to bring their virtual worlds to life by featuring a variety of people-actually-live-here cues. Yes, there are white houses with boarded front doors and mailboxes. There are beds in which non-player characters can sleep, and kitchens in which to eat. And there are toilets to make virtual poops in.
Nothing arguably brings a game world to life more effectively than the inclusion of a humble, flushable can. Virtual toilets are an essential ingredient in creating the visual fabric of a fictional game world. Which is why we've decided to spend the next 30 days -- yes, I said 30 days -- celebrating this unsung, unappreciated hero of gaming.
We're about to take you on a decades-spanning, counter-clockwise-turning journey through time, exploring the virtual bowls of yesterday and today. You will contemplate the many thousands of surreal man-hours that went into designing these virtual bowls. We'll approach each bowl with the clinical eye of a sociologist; we'll study the bowl carefully, testing out the functions of each bowl, giving it a flush or two, and since most toilets occur in first-person shooters -- as a bonus -- we will attempt to demolish it.
Grab a can of Lysol and today's paper, because your circular, spinning, whirling journey down the drain of videogame toilet history begins now...
Bowl 1: Duke Nukem 3D (1996) [Watch the video]
Bowl 2: Katamari Damacy (2004) [Watch the video]
Bowl 5: Counter-Strike (2000) [Watch the video]
Bowl 11: The Darkness (2007) [Watch the video]
Bowl 23: The Suffering (2004) [Watch the video]
Bowl 24: Half-Life 2 (2004) [Watch the video]
Bowl 30: GoldenEye 007 (1997) [Watch the video]
Bonus Flush: Shadow Warrior (1997) [Watch the video]