Endless Ocean (Wii)

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This is without a doubt one of the strangest pieces of software I have ever come across.

Here's the gist: You create your deep-sea diving avatar from what has to be the most limited create-a-character interface I have seen in the past 10 years or so. Choose from a couple of faces. Select a hair style. Pick a tan (no joke).

I was OK with my blank-faced -- but George Hamilton-tanned -- avatar, until I saw my diver in 3-D for the first time and realized that he possessed a secret ponytail that was not the least bit visible on the character creation screen.

The ponytail made my avatar look more like a just-divorced community college professor than a danger-craving deep-sea diver. So right away, Endless Ocean and I got off on the wrong foot.

And the foot only got more wrong from there.

First stop for me and my community college prof: the deck of the Gabbiano, my 80-foot sailboat that's captained by a woman whom the game's developers tried very hard to make as ugly as possible.

She sports unflattering eyeglasses, and wears a lame we're-going-down-people life jacket constantly. (We soon discover that she can't swim, which explains why you must do all your diving solo.) The poor woman looks like she failed out of macramé school. Mark your calendars, folks, because this may very well be the first instance in videogame history where a woman is not the least bit sexualized.

The gameplay -- and I'm not sure the words "game" or "play" should be used when discussing this disc -- consists of going on a series of increasingly complex dives and meeting a series of increasingly complex objectives. Early dives have you swimming in a certain direction a few hundred feet, letting you get more familiar with the game's controls. Soon, you're locating treasures, taking clients on guided dives, and making friends with a dolphin.

Yes, I said, "Making friends with a dolphin."

Blowing a whistle brings your dolphin pal to the stern of your boat. Once he arrives, you can teach him tricks through a somewhat obscure series of Wii remote motions. Mostly what I did is wave the Wii remote around until the dolphin started going nuts and putting on a show that trumps anything I've ever seen at SeaWorld Orlando. This is one talented dolphin, let me tell you.

Between dives, you can model various diving suits and equipment that you'll unlock over the course of the game. Or you can go pet the giant penguins that seem loiter on the boat deck. Or you can -- again, no joke -- sit in a lounge chair, rest your ponytail, and just watch the virtual world go by.

Yes, I said, "Sit in a lounge chair, rest your ponytail, and just watch the virtual world go by."

Diving requires pointing the Wii remote in the direction you want to go, then kicking your flippers with a pull of the B trigger. When you stumble upon a fish, you can lock onto it with the A button. This lets you follow it around as you poke at it continually until the game makes a magical "voila!" sound, and you realize that you've somehow learned the fish's name.

Keep poking at it -- or feeding it (press up on the d-pad to bring up the Feed option) -- and you'll keep learning about it.