The 12 Things That Truly Scare Us
(Contributor: James Fudge)
Now that we're older, though arguably not all that much wiser, the CG staffers realized that the things that once spooked us no longer work the same voodoo on us. Forget vampires and zombies and ghouls. You want a real scare? Try looking at your 401k these days. Or have a stare-down with this month's mortgage payment. Pretty ghoulish, no?
In honor of this year's Halloween, that time of year when we're supposed to celebrate old-fashioned Boos! and Aiiieeees!, we came up with a dozen things guaranteed to make any gamer curl into a ball and hold himself. Enjoy.
12. Traveller's Tales releases LEGO Nights in Rodanthe.
Starring LEGO Richard Gere and LEGO Diane Lane as two lonely LEGO people stuck in an inn made out of LEGOs during a LEGO storm.
11. EA announces that a new Madden will be released every six months.
Official title: Madden NFL 2009 and a Half. It features seven new tackling animations and artificial intelligence that actually tries to call a timeout during the final two minutes of a game.
10. Activision sues MTV, and through a legal snafu, winds up owning Harmonix.
Their first title since the merger: Guitar Hero Rock Band World Tour 3: Special Allman Brothers Edition Now With Wireless Wigs.
9. Carnival Games 2.
This one includes a virtual version of the Throw a Softball Through a Toilet Seat And Win a Sawdust-Filled Doll game. A true classic.
8. Link comes out of the closet.
That explains why he was always watching those wrestling DVDs whenever we stopped by his tree house.
7. Sid Meier runs out of inspiration, takes his turn-based strategy series in a unfortunate direction.
Official title: Sid Meier's Sterilization. It's the story of a sperm that can create new units, build a barracks, or erect a library in either the left testicle or right testicle.
6. "G4: The Movie."
Morgan Webb and Adam Sessler will be immortalized in this cable network film about two crazy kids reading unfunny things off of teleprompters, co-starring a monkey and Rob Schneider. The New York Times calls it "A road movie that never quite gets on the road." Thanks, NY Times.
5. Bethesda Softworks announces first downloadable content for Fallout 3.
For 1,500 Microsoft Points, you can be the proud owner of the Brahman Armor Pack. Congratulations, dingus.
4. Kotaku liveblogs Denis Dyack's breakfast.
"Now he is forming a small pile of eggs on the far side of his plate. Now he is reaching for his Dr Pepper. Now he is adjusting his pants. Now he is asking the waiter for a toothpick. Now he is ordering a dessert. Now he is ordering a second dessert?"
3. Archeologists digging in a Nevada desert uncover an unspeakable evil: An evil, smelly, gassy pit filled with E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial 2 cartridges.
Yes, there was a sequel to this hellspawn. The truly scary part here is that if Atari had decided to release the game, it would still be 42 percent more playable than Alone in the Dark.
2. Bantam Books announces "BioShock: The Novel."
The book gives fans a chance to experience the wonder of BioShock again, only this time from a Big Daddy's perspective. Sample: "Today I followed the little girl around again. I kept asking her if we could stop somewhere for lunch, or maybe to pee. She said no. Then some guy came running by. He ran around checking all the trash cans and opening boxes. He was very odd. When he got a little too close, I gave chase. I followed him into the next room. All of a sudden, this turret started shooting at me. And this guy is lobbing grenades at my feet. Man, times like this I seriously consider going back to school, maybe getting a degree in something useful this time. Or maybe H&R Block would hire me, and I could do people's taxes?" <
1. It's a miracle: Game Informer's January issue gives every game reviewed a solid score of 7 out of 10.
Their motto: Helping consumers decide between apples and apples since 1991.
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