The Top 8 Mustaches in Video Games
#8 Sargeant Avery Johnson- The Halo Trilogy
If I were ever a space marine in battle against the looming hordes of a an advanced, theocratic-alien empire, nothing would bring more peace to my mind than knowing my officers' abilities can be measured by the poise of their 'staches. Sporting the classic sarge 'stache, Sgt. Johnson has rushed the ranks of aliens, ancient robots, reanimating parasites (and Cameron Aliens? Oh?) across the universe, all without singing a single whisker; well, until, you know, he died. This 'stache goes great with olive drab and a cigar.
#7 Moustachio- Left 4 Dead 2
As if “mildly disgruntled” park-goers weren't enough trouble at Whispering Oaks, you also have to deal with this guy, or nut, Moustachio, the evil pistachio. With a dastardly mustache John Wilkes Booth would have been proud of, Moustachio challenges you to prove your skills in carnival-game classics like shoot-a-'stache, wack-a-'stache, and the strong-man 'stache. Will your upper lip be strong enough? Oh, and don't forget about those zombies by the way.
#6 Dr. Robotnik- Sonic the Hedgehog series
Intriguing? Contrived? Or just plain evil? Whatever you think of it, even if you haven't been acquainted with Dr. Robotnik, you'll know the guy probably isn't a PTA member at the local middle school. Bushy and projecting sideways, like the tusks on some ancient Nordic beast, or a mutated walrus, this 'stache can definitely signal evil to a low-flying. And it's red! Woodland critters cower at the very silhouette of these whiskers.
#5 Old Snake- Metal Gear Solid 4
Snake's facial hair has definitely seen better days, but it's still just as bad-ass nonetheless. Though similar to the Sarge 'stache, note that Snake's 'stache (try saying that five times fast) is grizzled gray; all the rough and gruff of the Sarge, but with zen of a shaolin master, absolutely necessary when playing spies. Though I call this one the geriatric 'stache, the “hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn-look” never looked more lethal.
#4 Mario- Super Mario Bros. series
Instantly recognizable around the world, Mario introduced us to the classic good-guy 'stache. As a kid, this was the first mustache I ever associated with the forces good. The only other 'stache I can think of that's as noble and just is the Pringles guy 'stache. Clean and simple, Mario's 'stache says he's on a mission. Italian plumbers everywhere tip their hats to you sir.
#3 Dr. Wily- Mega Man series
In all fairness, the evil doctor 'stache is applicable to Dr. Robotnik, but Dr. Wily's 'stache is as evil as evil doctor can get. Gray and bushy, large enough to conceal some evil machination, this 'stache definitely says, “I make evil robots.” Oh, and points have to be awarded for superior presentation as he has the receding hairline-stein hair to compliment the 'stache.
#2 Waluigi- Super Mario Bros. series (First appearance in Mario Tennis)
Quite easily the evilest of evil mustaches; a clear allusion to the hand-rubbing, 'stache twirling villains of silent movies, but taken to a new level. Snidely Whiplash would balk at the amount of evil needed to maintain this mustaches gravity-defying, cobra-strike pose. Waluigi definitely pulls off this mutant-Dali 'stache. Whether it's a nice game of tennis, or go-karts, you'll probably stay out of this 'stache's way.
#1 Captain Price- Call of Duty Series
Sidearm? Who needs a sidearm when you can just brillo a man to death with a 'stache like this. Tyrannical usurpers, commie ultra-nationalists, cloak-and-dagger splinter groups, sinking ships, Captain Price has dealt with them all, and my theory, it's the 'stache. Imperial mustaches today are a vanishing breed, part of a once mighty facial hair nation; now they're only worn by the few strong enough to wield them. There are many mighty 'staches today, but none can compare to this facial barbed wire. In honor of the Captain, I say we rename this one Price.